he knows her
by lizardcookie
Summary: He knows her and she is wrong. She is wrong to give him back the ring and she is wrong to say that this has nothing to do with what The Prophet has been saying about their engagement. She is wrong to send him away, to tell him that she doesn't love him. He knows her and she is wrong but she does these things anyway. One-shot.


There's the copy of _The Prophet_ sitting on the counter and her ring is there too, glittering and sparkling like nothing is wrong but _everything_ is wrong because it's not on her finger because she took it off because she's trying to give it back. It's sitting there staring at him and he's trying to figure out how the hell the world has come crashing down on him in the matter of minutes.

"Lily," he tells her and there is warning in his voice but she isn't looking at him. "Lily, don't do this. You know _The Prophet_ is wrong. And you know if they're right, then it's too late." He knows her and he knows that she must know that nothing will save them. He's the Blood Traitor and she's the Mudblood who seduced him from the path of respectability. He's been told to come to his senses and stop the disease before it takes hold and she's the sickness that needs to be eradicated.

That is what _The Prophet_ said, and that is what Bellatrix Lestrange screamed, and that is what her old Ravenclaw friend told them in Diagon Alley two days ago.

"It's got nothing to do with _The Prophet_ ," she tells him but he knows she's lying because last week they were laughing and seeing the light and talking about dress robes. "I don't want to marry you," is what she says next and now he can only see darkness and it's heavy and it's suffocating him but he's not giving up, he's not leaving, he's not letting her make this mistake.

"It's not going to work," he tells her and he takes a step closer to her and she flinches her hand out of his reach because even if she's not looking at him, she can feel his movement because she knows him. "It's not going to work," he repeats, "because I'm not going to revoke your name or say you've been sneaking me Amortentia. It's not going to work because I'm not going to let it work," he says and he's getting angry because doesn't she see that this is not going to work?

" _I'm_ going to say all those things," she whispers, "I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them that you rejected me and I became angry and I drugged you. It's going to work."

"And me, Lily, what are you going to tell _me_?"

"That I don't want to marry you," is what she repeats, but he knows her and she is wrong but she keeps talking. "I'm going to tell you that you need to live so you need to leave. I'm going to– I'm telling you that I don't love you and I never have."

"That's a lie," he says harshly, nothing more than a hoarse whisper because the darkness is growing and he's drowning in it, drowning, drowning, drowning and she's not reaching out to pull him back up from this pit.

He thinks he hears her break. He thinks he hears a sob come from her chest and he grabs her hands for real this time, his grip tight around her limp fingers, but her eyes are dry and unfocused, not looking at him despite the fact that he's staring down into her soul.

"Lily, don't do this. Lily, LILY-"

And now he's repeating her name, his hands cupped around her cheeks like they have so often been, but it's different and it's horrible and it's killing him. His eyes are pleading with her blank stare and he's tucking away the usual stray hair behind her ear and he's damn near yelling her name but she doesn't seem to care but _he knows her_ , he knows this isn't right and he knows that she knows it's wrong.

So he kisses her, just a brush of lips meeting and he feels her breath hitch for just a moment and he tries again, because this isn't right and this isn't Lily because Lily isn't a coward. Lily is smart enough to know that giving him back the ring isn't enough to save him and she is smart enough to know that he doesn't want to be saved if it means not being with her. Maybe if he kisses her she will remember the late night patrols and the feel of safety and the post-battle adrenaline, but she does nothing. She does nothing and he may as well be nothing.

He pulls his lips away. There are tears in her eyes but she isn't looking at him and that is the most selfish thing she has ever done because she doesn't see his heartbreak or anger or pain. She leaves him to deal with it alone, and he knows her and he knows that she knows that he will hate her for it. He will resent her for this selfish act and that was her plan from the start.

So he stands there, falling apart alone and staring at her, hurt and confused because Lily Evans is not selfish. She is kind. Above all else she is kind, and perhaps she thinks this is the kindest way to kill him. Perhaps she thinks this is a more gentle death than one he's sure to meet soon at the end of a wand, be it the quick thud of green or the slow feel of silver knives or any mix between the two. Perhaps she really thinks this is the kindest thing she could do.

"Dammit, Lily, please don't do this," and he hears it, the desperation and the panic and the anger, and he knows she hears it too because she closes her eyes and clenches her fist and then she does it. She turns from him, her shoulders rotating as if suspended in time and he's the fool left watching the love of his life push him away from everything he's known of late. She's blocked him from her comfort and that's all he's had since they left school. There is darkness all around now because they are not laughing together and he can't see the light without her guiding him towards the sunshine and the spring. This is war and he's not dead yet but he will be soon because that's what happens to soldiers and to lovers. He will keep fighting and he will be alive until he's not, but he won't be living and laughing because that was her. That was Lily who did that, and that was he, James, who could do that for her.

And so he leaves. He leaves because he knows her and he knows she knows this is wrong but he knows that she is kind and that she is an optimist and an idealist who believes that good intentions lead to good outcomes. He knows that she thinks she can save everyone, that she would lose herself to save everyone, and he knows she wants to save him. Lily Evans is not often wrong but she's wrong now and it's going to kill them both before they lose their lives to the war, alone, separately, too stubborn to stop fighting.

He leaves her and he leaves the ring, glittering and sparkling on the counter. Now it can mock her as it mocked him earlier. He's leaving the ring and he's leaving her safety and he's going find the nearest Death Eater to provoke. After that's said and done, he'll find Sirius and they'll smoke and drink and maybe talk.

He doesn't turn to look back at her because that would be too final. He doesn't close the door behind him because that would be too final. He just leaves because he knows her and she knows that. She knows that he will be reckless and she knows that it has to be her that fixes this because it is she who ripped it apart so neatly. She will be stubborn but she will realize that she can't save everyone and the only way to save herself is to save him. She knows that, in the end. But for now she needs time to stare out into the darkness, time to accept her young life and her young love and her young death. It will be she who finds him again, who pulls him from the pit that she threw him down.

But, in the end, he will take her back because he knows her. And she knows him.


End file.
